Day 1

Just saw this as I was browsing my files. Sharing with you how my first day of work went.

AUGUST 5, 2015

 Blank.
 Known papers but unfamiliar texts.
 Known design but unfamiliar hues.
 Known place but unfamiliar faces.
 Known air but unfamiliar ambiance.

 Period ended in an ellipsis. I stare at every writing, making myself 

familiar with every detail. No, it's not an escape to nothingness, it is 

my entry into something that could make a deep mark within. This is me 

venturing into new world as I move my head out of my comforts. Me learning,

me wanting to fit in, me seeing what joy it could possibly bring.

8:20. That's what my time card shouts on my first Tuesday as a responsible 

woman but forgotten to run for time. Mixed emotions at first, overwhelmed in 

the middle, and deviant in the end. Deviant. That's what I think it should 

really be. I can any be at state, whenever I want as long as my pace is 

within this corner. I made a list: 

 Mug
 Baby Cosh
 Baby Giorgie
 Loads of post-its
 Watch
 Fancy pens?
 Images
 Sanitizer
 Tissue
 Headset
 Phone Charger
 Mini pillow

Those will be my comforts and also my joy every time I fit my butt in.

I'm excited for this. Excited to place everything in my way. Maybe those 

anticipation will do for this day. 

p.s. I have a buddy, his name is RR. I messaged him due to internet 

connection. He responded, calling me “J”. For heaven's sake my nickname is 

already short, so I called him R anyway.

It might be you

'Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by..'

I admire trains ever since when I was a child, watching how delighted the anime characters were and how it was featured as platform 9 3/4 in Harry Potter. I've been ignorant about the feeling of riding it when I entered college. If not for the strong rain, I would not have experienced it as early as possible. Despite of late class suspension, heavy rain, and even knee-level flood, those incidents did not washed away the excitement within me. Until a friend of mine invited me to ride in LRT. It could have been an ordinary scenario until that friend of mine has found the key to my heart. That incident became remarkable since.

'Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly'

No, we never lied on the sand but we once seated there and buries ourselves in the sand. What we long planned to do is to have our camp site in the middle of the night and gaze at the stars.

'Wishing there would be. Someone waiting home for me...'

We might have talked being together, planning the future ahead of us. But imagining how it would be like to have that "someone" anticipating for your presence at home. It never occurred to me until writing this.

'Looking back as lovers go walking past...'

Seeing lovers together never entice me, in fact it gives me a "NO-TO-PDA" reaction. But not with old couples together, I believe everyone love to see old couples who are sweet together. That is how I picture out real love.

'Wondering how they met and what makes it last'

Just like in my early statement, in between of course we wonder. Honestly, I was confident that we'll make it. I was confident in the love that we have, and confident that no matter what we'll surpass everything. At this point I have every hopes.

'If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?'

 This line is my favorite. Most of the time, I'm lost and sometimes, really sometimes I wish I still have that person in my every lost moments. Or if in case I'm lost, my heart will not go astray towards that person. Love binds, that's how I take it ideally.

 

So many quiet walks to take

Because it is in this point where silence is never awkward but a comfort. No words, only feels.

So many dreams to wake

We have, so much things to do. Planned travels, views to capture, and people to reach out.
 

And we've so much love to make

Leaving the lines in there.

I think we're gonna need some time. Maybe all we need is time...

And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life...

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before...

Something's telling me it might be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life...

Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

 

Phone notes say... (Part 2)

WARNING: These are just “some” of my trouble and eeeew drama. Dare to bear it haha

09:36pm, Sun Jun23 2013
God sobrang kumikirot ung puso ko. Ang sakit, di ko napigilan kanina, napress ko ng malakas kamay ni Esh. Nagkakaroon na rin ako ng short breathing. Sana di maulit, sana di heart disease. Kung mauulit man sana yung wala akong kasama. Hay di ko alam pero di bale ng ako wag lang sila. I'll take all the risk, just let my love ones be.


04:54pm, Fri Jun 28 2013

"Words have many forms; it is powerful in its own sense. It is important for it gives meaning to life. It is abstract yet there are times when I wish it would be concrete. Concrete so that when someone uplifts you, it would feel like words are taking you off into the sky; allowing the wind to blow you which is also being in control while whispering to you softly. That when someone says he loves you, it would be like pillows are being wrapped around you. Pillows that are made with scented, fine, and smooth cotton. I wish that words are concrete so that when words hurt, it have spikes or sharp blades that will just put marks on your body. Just leaving you bleeding. But then words are abstract. When it hurts, the invisible blade goes directly into your heart. It wis inevitable. You can barely understand the pain nor see how badly it is bleeding. And the more, you can not easily put bandaid on it. Hard to heal, hard to deal. For it needs acceptance and time – the only medicine it must take. For hearts wounded by words can only be healed with words itself."

Ang sakit God :'( I prepared, I wated, hoped that he will run the mile no matter what. He easily gaved up because of rain. I wished rain did not stop pouring but then the sky cut it off leaving us with regrets and pain. I have all the patience and understanding but not all the defense to avaoid the pain. Ang sakit lang, sobra. But I can't voice it out for I always choose silence in times of this.

09:08pm, Sun Jun 30, 2013

Can someone really cry without reason? If not, then why does tears flow continuously? Why things seem so not enough? Why we sometimes feel emptiness?

People grow tired maybe not in loving, for heart never stops beating. But people get tired when they are taken for granted and left unappreciated.

Harden not your heart but from now on, I will follow my mind no matter what. I have given myself a good cry and that would be enough. I'll be more tough now. Be more reasonable than emotional. Tama. I must learn to be good to myself :) I'll be there soon.

07:32am, Sat Jul 13 2013

“If you have tears, cry”

God, sorry. Hehe here I am again. I do not know, will I just let it pass? Is that really love? Bleed on your own? How long am I willing to sacrifice and understand things telling everything is OKAY when deep within, SHOCKS THAT ONE REALLY HURTS! Are you that insensitive? It wa as if faults can be mend with PLAIN words. I'm already left unappreciated, and now it seems like I was abandoned. I fully understand but that does not mean I am not hurt. It only takes second to beep home. Was that hard before you shut your eyes? Am I asking too much? I do not know now if I still make sense if this thing is just a simple problem or whatever "must-ignore issue". God :( I want to be more reasonable than emotional. I do not want to be fooled by my own feelings. I'm tired God. If this means conflict between pride and happiness so be it.

Hay naiinis pa ko, :( alam ko na ending eh. Wala naman akong ibang gusto kundi kaligayahan niya. Kainis.

04:55pm, Sat Jul 20 2013
di ko alam God kung matutuwa ako o hindi. :'( bakit parang hindi. Why did I let things to happen. I hate myselg God. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Sobrang naiinis ako. God sorry :'( sorry sorry God :'( sorry talaga :'( sorry talaga :'( sorry sorry God :'( patawarin Mo po ako :'( I'm so lost God :'(

04:36pm, Tue Sept 10 2013
I want to cry God :( I can't come up with a story. I'm so desperate to write yet I'm having a hard to deal with words. :( I've been thinking about it many times but I fail to gather all the data and ideas that I need. Enlighten me please God and grant me wisdom. I need it. This is beyond requirement; this speaks about me.

I live to love and laugh a lot

12:58pm, Thu Sept 12 2013
things will not always come smoothly. I hate what happened but I hate myself more for letting it to happen. Huuugs God. I know you're just there but I feel like I'm on my own accord now and desperately need a company. Someone stronger than I am, someone who's willing to uplift me, someone who might not have the right words but enough words to comfort me, someone who would tell me that it is okay to cry. But I only have myself as if telling me that I am required and expected to be, fine and brave.
"The self you yearn to be but fear to know, the world from which you flee in Me finds home". - I find this lyrics comforting. Maybe certain things happen because you're the one who can handle it. 

NOTES:
1. Light dispel our sinfulness. Through our faith we dispel darkness.
2. Light attracts. Faith - we bring people to Jesus.
3.Light shows our true color. Faith - we appreciate who we truly are.
4. Light understands. We enlighten, we understand.
5. Light signals a new day. Thru our hope - help each other grow.
7. Light is power. Thru justice, we empower each other.
8. Light warms us. Thru love, we warm each other.
10. Light to be seen.