Good Night

It is this night that I badly want to rest my body yet the phone beeped and your name appeared not pleading but tempting me to come over - to come to your abode. 

It is this night that I want to resist, explain that my whole day was a box office yet I replied until what time and readied myself to go.

It is this night that we know what will happen the moment I stepped into your room yet I had a second thought if I should push it through or not.

It is this night that you laid both your hands on my waist, I know kiss will come next yet I put my hands on your shoulders - telling it's okay.

It is this night that I allowed you to filter me in, and me to feed you too yet in the middle of our deep scenario I was out thinking.

It is this night that I am tired yet I cannot stop for both of us are already in prison - already found the comforts of our soul but with all those confusions, I was left satisfied.

Naming the Rainbow - posted July 1, 2015

The United States of America Court of Appeals has finally ceased the battle about same sex marriage, rewarding the LGBT (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender) community their desired right (visit Rappler.com/SC legalizes gay marriage throughout US). The news did not only affect the people of US, it also gained different responses from different countries. While others raise their brows, those who rejoices did not only click their goblets for wine but rather send different colors as celebration.

Rainbow flag has been raised by the said community symbolizing their shout for equality. As these different colors represent different genders, they also welcome different sexes. With this, flags are not just raised, colors illuminates the White House, colorful sidewalk is made in Seattle; waters in some fountains are also bursting in colors, and many more industries who proudly support  the celebration. Other cultures also participated including the Philippines through fun walks emphasizing their rainbow banners and outfits.

Opinions, reactions, and even debates inevitably arouse in this movement. Religion is not an exception.  In fact, the issue has a divisive effect to Christians. Media has spotted a group of Christian brothers with banners that states their apology, respect, and welcome for the LGBTs, who, on the other hand, hugged them back. The Vatican, though cleared out that they accept gay people, has been silent withe the Supreme Court’s decision. While some religious group run their fight by emphasizing man and woman marriage only.

As this issue continually grow, social media has a great contribution. In Facebook, aside from people can freely status their positions, they can participate the celebration by changing their display picture into rainbow color. It could have been a good idea of estimating parties perhaps promoting individual decision if not only for those who changed without prior knowledge to the issue and to simply fit in.

Rainbow has always been special for us human beings. Rainbow after the rain symbolizes hope; organization of different colors symbolizes aesthetic in art; chaos in colors may even categorize as abstract; a student who receives grades with flying colors equalizes achievement; for the believers, rainbow symbolizes God’s covenant; and for the LGBT community and those who supports them, this is their call for equal rights.

As for me, I cannot just shrug this issue off and plainly be a mediocre. As a devout Catholic, I believe in the sanctity of marriage as long as love is authentic but then having this hold is not enough. God’s commandment is also telling us to love our neighbor and guaranteeing my love and respect for the LGBTs seem to be not enough. They have feelings, yes. They have the right to be happy, yes. My side here would then be, let alone the law do its part and the church, with conviction, do their’s. Talking about the after effects, whether the society will benefit or not, I’m just praying that having this new law would not be taken into abuse as what many of us feared.  Lastly, let’s just hope the community will take this rainbow with great importance that they will not allow darkness to eat each colors.

7th floor

No, we're not close but
we constantly bump to each other.

Different time;
different instances
but same hallway, anyway.

our eyes met,
thrice as I count.
but no curve
has been shared.

until time tricked us.
I, running for my sched
while, you, returning for
forgotten files.

Elevator was our only chance
G, 1, 2, 3 ... 7
same floor, of course.

silence never bothered me.
but at state, it felt awkward.

'I'm depressed,'
your mouth finally opened.
I had a second thought,
and looked at you.

'ting.' the door opened.
you stepped outside
leaving my thoughts behind.

'hey, what was that?'
I had a surge of curiosity.

you turned your head
and smiled in recognition.
the other day, no trace of you
in the hallway.

I can't help myself,
and paved my way.
starting from none is hard,

I realized.
I stayed at the hallway for awhile.

a new face approached me,
handling me a note,
'am I reMARKable?'
I dazed in amusement.

Reluctant @ 22

I know getting 22 is not that old but being in that state doesn't make you any younger either. My day has been very different from the previous years. Or maybe I'm just relying solely on the things that "should be" for this event which slips my expectations. Writing this made me remember my 12th birthday: I had class that starts by 1pm but I cannot leave our home because my sister and I haven't eaten yet. Our mother was already working abroad back then and my brother was already in school. I'm not sure if we were waiting for our father to come with food, anyway what happened was my sister got a spare of money and I was the one who bought food. Before heading to school my sister in awe voiced suddenly uttered, 'birthday mo pa naman tapos ganito tayo.' That was the first time that I really appreciate my sister but that did not send me a tinge of sadness. I went to school with a positive aura - happy outlook and was surprised by my friends' mini celebration. They made a cake out of cupcakes and 'Hanny', they combined the small chocolate bars and coated it with a chocolate "sachet" syrup and nips. Back then I know life will not be easy but I did not let it hinder me to enjoy the moment.

A decade has been passed and it seems like my 12-year-old self is braver than me. She was young yet she knows how to extract life. Right now my mind is foggy like it doesn't know which is to digest. Although I was trying hard to focus on the goodness of things, I cannot deny that some incident is hitting me hard. One of which is my trust issue to someone. He's sending me the love that he can but I am putting a barricade in between. Doesn't want to allow him to get through me again. "No picture or thing can be the same at the same instance." It's like puzzle pieces that wants to connect on its own. I'm just afraid I'm ignoring the sign. A part of me is also telling me why should I? Don't I deserve both truth and honesty? Maybe, it cannot be considered as lying but hiding, I no longer know. Another thing that gave a pang in my heart is another hiding case. My sister is hiding her boyfriend from us. We thought that it was her ex boyfriend whom we do not like for a certain reason. Revelations then hit me that it's a 43-year-old man and I am really certain that this man has a family already because my sister once mentioned to me that she's in love to a married man. The moment she told me that, I directly answered her whatever it is, just stop. My fault is I did not confronted or asked her more questions. It could have been stopped as early as we could but as of the moment, we know she's doomed by that man. The last case is here at work. I just hate doing the same routine everyday without any progress. What I mean by that is I have been submitting attachments and waiting for response but when the response came, I have to send it again because for any unreasonable reason they are rejecting it which means me sending another, and worst the same attachments. That really not just leads to zero progress but to negative effect. My tardiness is not also doing me any good which I'm really having a hard time to fight. Let's see after being 22, of course I will not let myself be labeled as such.

Sigh. I just can't absorb them all at the same time and just wished not during my birthday. I'm just sad for my mother because I know the situation is also hard for her. She's the most important person to my sister but even she cannot control her. I'm just sad that I have to go and seek the truth for myself which results to being cold to someone. And I am deeply sad why I am stuck in here allowing both my time and dreams to slip away.

Trying to pave into something positive... I believe everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why a car did not stop when you approached for a ride; a reason why you were not able to meet someone because you lost your way and you have to turn to another direction; a reason why you were not called for an interview for a job that you dreamed of; a reason why things have to be delayed because certain things have to go first before the other. And as time slips by, you must parallel yourself to circumstances - as it gets tougher you must also do. And that's life, it can be cruel at times but nonetheless it still offers a lot of good things.

After work, I was still able to buy mocha cake and braso de mercedes which I've been craving for. My brother cooked carbonara for me and we shared those food to our relatives from another street. I have received birthday greetings, and few phone calls. But what surprised me was when my grandparents called. I certainly did not expect that mainly because I've forgotten to call them during my grandpa's birthday. Now, tell me who's old to forget such? Hearing their voices made me shed a tear. Though I saw them last year, I just had a surge of realization that time is short and they're getting older and older perhaps weaker and weaker. My grandpa had a hard time hearing me, he even thought that the line had been cut. I heard his greetings, and that was more than okay. My grandma was the one who did the talking and though she's already repeating most I did not care at all I just let her speak. I badly want to hear them, their voices, their stories. But good thing, of course, has to end.

I am groping for words as I continue writing this. What to say? For the present me? and for the future that awaits me, if there still more. Hmm for the present me, you're always telling yourself, "carpe diem" yet you seem to struggle on how to. No exact process my dear, only a relief of second chance for opened eyes. Only a glimpse of hope for in and out of air within you. Only different opportunities and learning from different faces you encounter everyday. Look around, look around. Life is a constant battle for happiness, fight for it. Seize it for yourself, for those who believes in you, and for those whom you offer your life. For the future me, there might be countless times like this. Feeling lost. Can't find any sense of purpose. Feeling betrayed.  Feeling like the world has turned its back on you. Feeling like there's no one to turn to. And when that time comes, be reminded of this day as you try to recall your old self. Be reminded that you have been here, you have surpassed this and believe that, again, you will. Life is tricky, hold on to good memories. Realize that life, though implied, has been kind after all. One good reason is that you were able to compose and read this. THOUGH IT DOESN'T SOUND ANY SENSE. Happy happy birthday, Joyce. CHEERS!

Day 1

Just saw this as I was browsing my files. Sharing with you how my first day of work went.

AUGUST 5, 2015

 Blank.
 Known papers but unfamiliar texts.
 Known design but unfamiliar hues.
 Known place but unfamiliar faces.
 Known air but unfamiliar ambiance.

 Period ended in an ellipsis. I stare at every writing, making myself 

familiar with every detail. No, it's not an escape to nothingness, it is 

my entry into something that could make a deep mark within. This is me 

venturing into new world as I move my head out of my comforts. Me learning,

me wanting to fit in, me seeing what joy it could possibly bring.

8:20. That's what my time card shouts on my first Tuesday as a responsible 

woman but forgotten to run for time. Mixed emotions at first, overwhelmed in 

the middle, and deviant in the end. Deviant. That's what I think it should 

really be. I can any be at state, whenever I want as long as my pace is 

within this corner. I made a list: 

 Mug
 Baby Cosh
 Baby Giorgie
 Loads of post-its
 Watch
 Fancy pens?
 Images
 Sanitizer
 Tissue
 Headset
 Phone Charger
 Mini pillow

Those will be my comforts and also my joy every time I fit my butt in.

I'm excited for this. Excited to place everything in my way. Maybe those 

anticipation will do for this day. 

p.s. I have a buddy, his name is RR. I messaged him due to internet 

connection. He responded, calling me “J”. For heaven's sake my nickname is 

already short, so I called him R anyway.

It might be you

'Time, I've been passing time watching trains go by..'

I admire trains ever since when I was a child, watching how delighted the anime characters were and how it was featured as platform 9 3/4 in Harry Potter. I've been ignorant about the feeling of riding it when I entered college. If not for the strong rain, I would not have experienced it as early as possible. Despite of late class suspension, heavy rain, and even knee-level flood, those incidents did not washed away the excitement within me. Until a friend of mine invited me to ride in LRT. It could have been an ordinary scenario until that friend of mine has found the key to my heart. That incident became remarkable since.

'Lying on the sand, watching seabirds fly'

No, we never lied on the sand but we once seated there and buries ourselves in the sand. What we long planned to do is to have our camp site in the middle of the night and gaze at the stars.

'Wishing there would be. Someone waiting home for me...'

We might have talked being together, planning the future ahead of us. But imagining how it would be like to have that "someone" anticipating for your presence at home. It never occurred to me until writing this.

'Looking back as lovers go walking past...'

Seeing lovers together never entice me, in fact it gives me a "NO-TO-PDA" reaction. But not with old couples together, I believe everyone love to see old couples who are sweet together. That is how I picture out real love.

'Wondering how they met and what makes it last'

Just like in my early statement, in between of course we wonder. Honestly, I was confident that we'll make it. I was confident in the love that we have, and confident that no matter what we'll surpass everything. At this point I have every hopes.

'If I found the place
Would I recognize the face?'

 This line is my favorite. Most of the time, I'm lost and sometimes, really sometimes I wish I still have that person in my every lost moments. Or if in case I'm lost, my heart will not go astray towards that person. Love binds, that's how I take it ideally.

 

So many quiet walks to take

Because it is in this point where silence is never awkward but a comfort. No words, only feels.

So many dreams to wake

We have, so much things to do. Planned travels, views to capture, and people to reach out.
 

And we've so much love to make

Leaving the lines in there.

I think we're gonna need some time. Maybe all we need is time...

And it's telling me it might be you
All of my life...

I've been saving love songs and lullabies
And there's so much more
No one's ever heard before...

Something's telling me it might be you
And I'm feeling it'll just be you
All of my life...

Maybe it's you...
I've been waiting for all of my life...

 

Phone notes say... (Part 2)

WARNING: These are just “some” of my trouble and eeeew drama. Dare to bear it haha

09:36pm, Sun Jun23 2013
God sobrang kumikirot ung puso ko. Ang sakit, di ko napigilan kanina, napress ko ng malakas kamay ni Esh. Nagkakaroon na rin ako ng short breathing. Sana di maulit, sana di heart disease. Kung mauulit man sana yung wala akong kasama. Hay di ko alam pero di bale ng ako wag lang sila. I'll take all the risk, just let my love ones be.


04:54pm, Fri Jun 28 2013

"Words have many forms; it is powerful in its own sense. It is important for it gives meaning to life. It is abstract yet there are times when I wish it would be concrete. Concrete so that when someone uplifts you, it would feel like words are taking you off into the sky; allowing the wind to blow you which is also being in control while whispering to you softly. That when someone says he loves you, it would be like pillows are being wrapped around you. Pillows that are made with scented, fine, and smooth cotton. I wish that words are concrete so that when words hurt, it have spikes or sharp blades that will just put marks on your body. Just leaving you bleeding. But then words are abstract. When it hurts, the invisible blade goes directly into your heart. It wis inevitable. You can barely understand the pain nor see how badly it is bleeding. And the more, you can not easily put bandaid on it. Hard to heal, hard to deal. For it needs acceptance and time – the only medicine it must take. For hearts wounded by words can only be healed with words itself."

Ang sakit God :'( I prepared, I wated, hoped that he will run the mile no matter what. He easily gaved up because of rain. I wished rain did not stop pouring but then the sky cut it off leaving us with regrets and pain. I have all the patience and understanding but not all the defense to avaoid the pain. Ang sakit lang, sobra. But I can't voice it out for I always choose silence in times of this.

09:08pm, Sun Jun 30, 2013

Can someone really cry without reason? If not, then why does tears flow continuously? Why things seem so not enough? Why we sometimes feel emptiness?

People grow tired maybe not in loving, for heart never stops beating. But people get tired when they are taken for granted and left unappreciated.

Harden not your heart but from now on, I will follow my mind no matter what. I have given myself a good cry and that would be enough. I'll be more tough now. Be more reasonable than emotional. Tama. I must learn to be good to myself :) I'll be there soon.

07:32am, Sat Jul 13 2013

“If you have tears, cry”

God, sorry. Hehe here I am again. I do not know, will I just let it pass? Is that really love? Bleed on your own? How long am I willing to sacrifice and understand things telling everything is OKAY when deep within, SHOCKS THAT ONE REALLY HURTS! Are you that insensitive? It wa as if faults can be mend with PLAIN words. I'm already left unappreciated, and now it seems like I was abandoned. I fully understand but that does not mean I am not hurt. It only takes second to beep home. Was that hard before you shut your eyes? Am I asking too much? I do not know now if I still make sense if this thing is just a simple problem or whatever "must-ignore issue". God :( I want to be more reasonable than emotional. I do not want to be fooled by my own feelings. I'm tired God. If this means conflict between pride and happiness so be it.

Hay naiinis pa ko, :( alam ko na ending eh. Wala naman akong ibang gusto kundi kaligayahan niya. Kainis.

04:55pm, Sat Jul 20 2013
di ko alam God kung matutuwa ako o hindi. :'( bakit parang hindi. Why did I let things to happen. I hate myselg God. Naiinis ako sa sarili ko. Sobrang naiinis ako. God sorry :'( sorry sorry God :'( sorry talaga :'( sorry talaga :'( sorry sorry God :'( patawarin Mo po ako :'( I'm so lost God :'(

04:36pm, Tue Sept 10 2013
I want to cry God :( I can't come up with a story. I'm so desperate to write yet I'm having a hard to deal with words. :( I've been thinking about it many times but I fail to gather all the data and ideas that I need. Enlighten me please God and grant me wisdom. I need it. This is beyond requirement; this speaks about me.

I live to love and laugh a lot

12:58pm, Thu Sept 12 2013
things will not always come smoothly. I hate what happened but I hate myself more for letting it to happen. Huuugs God. I know you're just there but I feel like I'm on my own accord now and desperately need a company. Someone stronger than I am, someone who's willing to uplift me, someone who might not have the right words but enough words to comfort me, someone who would tell me that it is okay to cry. But I only have myself as if telling me that I am required and expected to be, fine and brave.
"The self you yearn to be but fear to know, the world from which you flee in Me finds home". - I find this lyrics comforting. Maybe certain things happen because you're the one who can handle it. 

NOTES:
1. Light dispel our sinfulness. Through our faith we dispel darkness.
2. Light attracts. Faith - we bring people to Jesus.
3.Light shows our true color. Faith - we appreciate who we truly are.
4. Light understands. We enlighten, we understand.
5. Light signals a new day. Thru our hope - help each other grow.
7. Light is power. Thru justice, we empower each other.
8. Light warms us. Thru love, we warm each other.
10. Light to be seen.