Reluctant @ 22

I know getting 22 is not that old but being in that state doesn't make you any younger either. My day has been very different from the previous years. Or maybe I'm just relying solely on the things that "should be" for this event which slips my expectations. Writing this made me remember my 12th birthday: I had class that starts by 1pm but I cannot leave our home because my sister and I haven't eaten yet. Our mother was already working abroad back then and my brother was already in school. I'm not sure if we were waiting for our father to come with food, anyway what happened was my sister got a spare of money and I was the one who bought food. Before heading to school my sister in awe voiced suddenly uttered, 'birthday mo pa naman tapos ganito tayo.' That was the first time that I really appreciate my sister but that did not send me a tinge of sadness. I went to school with a positive aura - happy outlook and was surprised by my friends' mini celebration. They made a cake out of cupcakes and 'Hanny', they combined the small chocolate bars and coated it with a chocolate "sachet" syrup and nips. Back then I know life will not be easy but I did not let it hinder me to enjoy the moment.

A decade has been passed and it seems like my 12-year-old self is braver than me. She was young yet she knows how to extract life. Right now my mind is foggy like it doesn't know which is to digest. Although I was trying hard to focus on the goodness of things, I cannot deny that some incident is hitting me hard. One of which is my trust issue to someone. He's sending me the love that he can but I am putting a barricade in between. Doesn't want to allow him to get through me again. "No picture or thing can be the same at the same instance." It's like puzzle pieces that wants to connect on its own. I'm just afraid I'm ignoring the sign. A part of me is also telling me why should I? Don't I deserve both truth and honesty? Maybe, it cannot be considered as lying but hiding, I no longer know. Another thing that gave a pang in my heart is another hiding case. My sister is hiding her boyfriend from us. We thought that it was her ex boyfriend whom we do not like for a certain reason. Revelations then hit me that it's a 43-year-old man and I am really certain that this man has a family already because my sister once mentioned to me that she's in love to a married man. The moment she told me that, I directly answered her whatever it is, just stop. My fault is I did not confronted or asked her more questions. It could have been stopped as early as we could but as of the moment, we know she's doomed by that man. The last case is here at work. I just hate doing the same routine everyday without any progress. What I mean by that is I have been submitting attachments and waiting for response but when the response came, I have to send it again because for any unreasonable reason they are rejecting it which means me sending another, and worst the same attachments. That really not just leads to zero progress but to negative effect. My tardiness is not also doing me any good which I'm really having a hard time to fight. Let's see after being 22, of course I will not let myself be labeled as such.

Sigh. I just can't absorb them all at the same time and just wished not during my birthday. I'm just sad for my mother because I know the situation is also hard for her. She's the most important person to my sister but even she cannot control her. I'm just sad that I have to go and seek the truth for myself which results to being cold to someone. And I am deeply sad why I am stuck in here allowing both my time and dreams to slip away.

Trying to pave into something positive... I believe everything happens for a reason. There's a reason why a car did not stop when you approached for a ride; a reason why you were not able to meet someone because you lost your way and you have to turn to another direction; a reason why you were not called for an interview for a job that you dreamed of; a reason why things have to be delayed because certain things have to go first before the other. And as time slips by, you must parallel yourself to circumstances - as it gets tougher you must also do. And that's life, it can be cruel at times but nonetheless it still offers a lot of good things.

After work, I was still able to buy mocha cake and braso de mercedes which I've been craving for. My brother cooked carbonara for me and we shared those food to our relatives from another street. I have received birthday greetings, and few phone calls. But what surprised me was when my grandparents called. I certainly did not expect that mainly because I've forgotten to call them during my grandpa's birthday. Now, tell me who's old to forget such? Hearing their voices made me shed a tear. Though I saw them last year, I just had a surge of realization that time is short and they're getting older and older perhaps weaker and weaker. My grandpa had a hard time hearing me, he even thought that the line had been cut. I heard his greetings, and that was more than okay. My grandma was the one who did the talking and though she's already repeating most I did not care at all I just let her speak. I badly want to hear them, their voices, their stories. But good thing, of course, has to end.

I am groping for words as I continue writing this. What to say? For the present me? and for the future that awaits me, if there still more. Hmm for the present me, you're always telling yourself, "carpe diem" yet you seem to struggle on how to. No exact process my dear, only a relief of second chance for opened eyes. Only a glimpse of hope for in and out of air within you. Only different opportunities and learning from different faces you encounter everyday. Look around, look around. Life is a constant battle for happiness, fight for it. Seize it for yourself, for those who believes in you, and for those whom you offer your life. For the future me, there might be countless times like this. Feeling lost. Can't find any sense of purpose. Feeling betrayed.  Feeling like the world has turned its back on you. Feeling like there's no one to turn to. And when that time comes, be reminded of this day as you try to recall your old self. Be reminded that you have been here, you have surpassed this and believe that, again, you will. Life is tricky, hold on to good memories. Realize that life, though implied, has been kind after all. One good reason is that you were able to compose and read this. THOUGH IT DOESN'T SOUND ANY SENSE. Happy happy birthday, Joyce. CHEERS!